Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
