my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
