did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
