What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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