why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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