Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
