OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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