I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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