I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
you had me at cake vodka
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize