I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
