I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
