What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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