Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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