So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
