He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
