There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
