Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
