youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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