The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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