I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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