why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
