i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
