every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
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Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
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I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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