I CAN MOONWALK!
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
