happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Send help, water and tortillas.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
