getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
