Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
it was like eating out sand paper
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
