I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Im part way to drunk.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
