community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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