doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
