I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I queefed so loud it echoed.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
