Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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