My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
