I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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