Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Randomize
