Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
