I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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