i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
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It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
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AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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