I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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