i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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