Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
