The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
