well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
