I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
