that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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