We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
