Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
