just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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