I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
