"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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