the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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