I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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