We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
THAT is your concern right now?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.