dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
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I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
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Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT