First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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