I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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