yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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