He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
