the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
