No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
