I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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