end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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